KF said i should lose 10 lbs

And this too shall pass

I think there may be something wrong with me. I can't handle negative change at all.

Work has gotten much better. I received a promotion. A lot more is expected of me, but i don't really mind.

J and I have been together over a year now. I am so happy and so sad with certain things. I want to be with him all the time, he makes me smile and laugh, and he tries his best to be considerate of me. I, on the other hand, am emotional, jealous, and always suspicious. I honestly can not figure out what anyone would want to do with me. The worst part is that I see what I am doing and can't stop. I am so insecure that it ruins things. I know how I got this way, but I still want it to stop. He either doesn't love me or just won't say it. If I knew which it was, I hope that I would lighten up or hit the road. He has made tons of comments that seem as if he does and just can't physically say it and he is said it after he had drank and doesn't remember, but I want to know. He has said that he has never initiated it to a girlfriend and has only said it out of obligation. That is a huge fear of mine. His blames his lack of emotional expression on his dad and the relationships his dad has had with so many different women and him not being around after J was about 6. I don't know. That all sounds like crap to me. I LOVE HIM. I want to be with him in the future. I want and need him to tell me if he does. He knows that I would like to hear it, but probably not that it is driving me into depression. I am so afraid of wasting time like I did with Donny that I overanalyze EVERYTHING.

His friend Randy moved back in about two months ago and his work schedule switched to the complete opposite of mine. He works 14hour days Sat-Monday. It is terrible. The only time that we have together is after I am off work and for two hours(if that) on Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays. The weekends are not fun to hang out at all though. He is usually in a bad mood or gets tired by 7:30. I usually don't mind so much because I would rather spend crappy time together than not at all. Randy was and still usually is around all of the time. I was beyond upset. The precious little time I had with him had to be shared with R. It wasn't even that...he was so happy that he had moved in that I totally became the third wheel not R. Before R, he was talking about buying a house together and I was very happy. The second that he moved in, the house talk stopped and R started talking about the two of them moving into a place downtown together. I couldn't take it anymore. I felt upset all of the time and we started picking little fights all the time. We finally talked about it and it has been better. I don't think I could have stayed like that another minute. I started to resent R and everything he did and said and still if I had the choice, he wouldn't live there.

Now J is on a trip in San Diego. I thought that I would be ok, but I am not. I really don't think that he would cheat, but after D, I know that it is always a possibility. I have been giving him attitude and he still has another 2 and a half days there. We went to SD together two months ago. It was pretty fun. Probably much more fun with all guy friends and no g/f. I hate it. I go crazy thinking about all of the possibilities and knowing that I would never find out. It was a fluke that I ever found out about D. I don't know how not to be a nervous wreck.

Does he love me????

Why would we still be together if he didn't, but why would he not say it if he does???

I think I want to be married some day now. Maybe I want it because he doesn't think he ever will. Maybe it is because I am older now. And kids, I still don't know about them, but figure I will want them in a few years.

I just want him to be back or for me to learn how to deal with him on trips without me. I don't think that I will ever figure it out. I want him to come with me on every trip. He would rather go with friends I think. He tries to reassure me all of the time, but I am hopeless.

Will I ever get a hold of this?

Against My Better Judgement

I finally did what I knew that I should have many months ago. I think that he is for the most part good, but not for me. I miss plenty of things, but they could not weigh out the constant feeling of wanting more. I wanted to be in love with the person that I was spending some much time with. I miss having someone to do things with, but I wasn't that happy while we were doing them. I texted him "happy birthday" the other day and so came a series of bitter responses. He told me not to pretend to care, that I totally disappeared and blew him off, that I was playing games, and some more. I tried to be as nice as possible, but was surprised that he cared enough to be bitter and couldn't get into any drama. I am over it and figured he was as well.

I have gotten back into an old pattern. It means trouble. I will like him and he will hurt me. It is almost garanteed at this point, " but just being around you offers me another form of relief." I know that he will only make me happy in tiny incriments and he will never really like me more than just what it is. I wish I could say no, but there has always been something about him that makes me forgive him. I feel like Pip after Estella asks if he could ever forgive her, "don't you know me at all." I don't want to have to keep forgiving. I want someone who doesn't want to hurt me. I told him last night that something had almost made me cry, and he sounded really upset about it. He said, "I don't want to ever make you cry. I never want to see you cry. It would kill me and I would kill anyone that ever made you." He was drunk, but part of me believed it. I shouldn't though. The ironic thing is that in the past few years he has been one of the only few reasons that I do tear up. My friends say that when I cry it is really pretty and really sad. E says that she can't take it that it kills her to watch. I think it is because I only cry when it really hurts and the tears well up, but my face doesn't move. There is so much salty water that it just falls from my face. I hope he never sees me cry.

I have been hanging out with E a lot. Differant problems we share, but all relating to lonliness. It is comforting to have a friend around to bounce complaints about our worlds back and forth.

I really want to make a better career for myself. I keep waiting for it to fall into my lap. That will never happen.

I want to eat better than I have the last few weeks.
I want to work out.
I want to be more confident.
I want a better haircut.
I want to find a new sushi partner.
I want to clean my apt and sell my car.
I want to be the best I possibly can at everything and stop letting my self-doubts get in the way.
I want to make good decisions and take initiative.

MySpace post 12/21/08

It was MySpace so I wasn't saying much. I have decided that I want to delete it now though.......


Anticipation and Hesitation
Sundays are no fun-my friends are right. I do like lounging around,but too much time alone and I start to go crazy. This has been a very strange month. Lots of changes to adjust to. Some good/some bad. Just rolling with the punches. I'm always in a mixed state of excitement and disappointment. Disappointed at some things that have passed and excited for what may come. I know more now than ever that willing something to be does not make it so.
It is almost a new year. I'm not one for symbolism, but I may make use of this one. Last year at this time, I had expected to be somewhere else completely by now. Not knowing the future keeps things interesting, but some warnings would be nice. I guess they are there and I turn a blind eye when I don't want to believe them. I actually never know what I want and never have. My indecision and lack of conviction will be my downfall if I let it. I need to determine what I want and seek it out and not wait for it to find me.



"Keep the wind at your back and the sun on your faceAll the immediate unknownsAre better than knowing this tired and lonely fate"



E's comment:
this is deep..it speaks. I would rather shave off both my eyebrows and have a peg leg than face another sunday again. But the world continues to turn, and we will continue to survive. How about this Sunday we lounge..together. eating toffee and chips in my cave. and maybe topping it off with some french fries. i don't know about you but that sounds like a better sunday than me scrubbing the kitchen floor in tears..haha. I am so happy to have you in my life and this tired and lonely fate will soon fade into another year full of possibility. I am sure of it. <3

clueless forever?

I love and hate that I have no idea where I will be or what I will care about in a year. Everything will be, has to be, differant by then. There are plenty of things that I wish were differant now, but am curious to see how time will change them on its own. I look at friends and wish I could give them a glance at the future, but know living it is the only way to appreciate the present.
I have no idea what I want. I have no idea what I will ever want. All that I know is that what I once worried about is of no concern to me now.
I went out with Kris and Kel tonight, by accident. They were a few blocks away and I invited them over to see the new place. We had about four saki bombs at one place, then a few more car bombs at another. I am still a lil buzzed, but am content. I wonder if I still will be tomorrow.
Most of the time I just wonder if anyone will ever tell me that they love me and mean it. Meaning it is key. I still don't know if I will ever fall in love. I don't think so. I have really liked and cared about a couple of people, but that may be where it ends. I am almost 25. Maybe time is running out for me. That doesn't mean that I will settle. It just means that I may be alone forever.

The Score...

...not as in a score to settle, but as a background theme song to my life. I think mine would have a lot of ups and downs and irregularity, but it would be a beautiful sound. Parts would be slow and doubtful and then it would slowly wind up and pick up tempo just to slow down again and repeat the pattern over and over.

I will never figure out what I want. I need freedom, but I want to be loved. I don't know if I want to love though.

He is going to start his new job hopefully next week. I am counting on that changing things. I haven't been happy in this for a while. I can not figure out if it is him or me. It has lost its luster and I feel my confidence dropping and me clinging to the familiar and not ready for a change. There are many things that I love about being part of a relationship, but I don't think right now that we have staying power. Things have started to fizzle...well have been fizzling for a while now and I have been waiting for that perfect boy that he was to come back to me. We should be in love by now. We should say it to each other if we do. I know that he doesn't love me. He couldn't. I think we are just both too scared or something to go back to being alone. What if it is all me? What if I will never be happy? I just want to be wanted...like cheap trick. Doesn't everyone? Maybe I would be bored with someone who worshiped me, but the idea seems nice. I want to have conversations that don't bore me and be touched and held. I want to be acknowleged for my ideas and thanked every once in a while. A simple 'thank you' would do so much.

Right now I would be at one of the slow tempo portions of my score. A few notes that keep repeating because I am too scared to move on to a fast beat.

I still don't know if I had ever been in real love. I thought that I was a few months ago, but now I am not sure. If he was the person that I thought he was originally, I could have loved him forever.
I will not be bitter after this though...if it does turn out that way. I asked the heavens or the air for a relationship a while back. I needed to date more. Have relationships-test people out-find out who I am and what I need. With each person I have met, I realize a little more about myself and what will and can't work.
I need to travel, I need to be held, I need to laugh, I want to always feel comfortable, I want to share interests and if we don't I want us both to suffer through the other's because we know it will make them happy, I want to be able to picture an entire life together and not be wondering about a few days or weeks from now if everything will be upside down, I need to be able to talk about what is wrong quickfully and painlessly to squash the problems instead of dreading the conversation and dragging it out, I want random kisses on the nose, head, cheek, I want him to hold my hand as he once did, I don't want a rough patch to ruin what could have been something amazing...
I was beyond excited about this relationship at the beginning. It was the first time I thought I may have actually had found something special. Maybe we are just too differant, maybe I am just annoying, maybe it is too late to fix things. I have hit my wall. I will not try anymore. I think I have noticed a pattern---once I reach my frustration limit I start to mentally pull away. I won't tell him though. Instead, I will drag this out until I can no longer bear it and don't care about losing him and then I will call it off. It is not fair for him, but I think he is doing the same. At any moment he can fight for me and I will stay.

I want the score to start a faster happy beat right now. I have to make the song change myself and not wait for it to magically do it on its own.

I think there will always be this part of me that no one will ever know. I hate that. I want someone to love me for all that I am. I love him,at least I am pretty sure that I do, but I still don't feel that we know each other very well. After four months, I still feel this wall of mine as strong, sturdy, and high as ever. I am afraid to let myself fully feel anything. He was differant at the beginning. I am afraid that he is turning into me in some ways. I can't get past his shell. He jokes and makes me laugh and smile, but I want to make sure there is more to it than that. I honestly wonder every day if he truely cares for me or if I fill a vaccancy. He hasn't given me "the look." He says that I complain-I believe him, but I know why I do it. It is because I want him to show me all of him and all that I keep getting is the surface. I don't think he has been like this with anyone else. I don't want him to be closed off because I am a wretch. I have been putting in extra effort to change my ways. We are together almost daily and still I feel that I hardly know him or that he wants to get to know me.
I love the way he pulls me close to him when he sleeps. I like the little cute things that he does when I least expect them. I love the playful teasing and how he always wants me around. At this point though, I can not figure out why he would like me. He probably couldn't list two things. I am jealous and paranoid because of the past. What if I open up completely and he decides that he doesn't want me? He talks of the future and homes and children. It scares me and not in the way that I thought it would. It scares me because I don't want to want all of that. I told myself for so long that none of that was for me and I think I had myself convinced. Is it too soon for him to talk about things in "our house?" What if he gets to know me better and he realizes that this was all wrong? Then I will have decided that that sort of life is what I want and then he can take it away. I am scared of this-petrified.
Sometimes he gives me the impression that he wants that ideal family so much that he would settle for me because time is running out and our children would be cute. haha. It sounds so silly when I write it out, but I'm not 100% that it is not true.
I am going to work on things on my end first. I want to become less guarded and open up and see if I can then see a differance in him. I have tried bringing it up, but he refuses to have a serious conversation if it has to do with himself. I will try my best to open him up and if it doesn't work soon I guess I will have to stress its importance to him.
I do want to be with him. He makes me smile...a lot. I miss him when he is not next to me...like right now.

Just sent this as a message to E...

Sorry for the text so late. I'm not drunk or anything (I only had one drink about an hour and a half ago). I just really need some optimism to come back. I had to sit next to some girl and she mentioned him a few times...found out he had slept with her last night. I just really need to know what it feels like to have a good boy and be treated like you matter. One that hasn't slept with half of the blonde population of California and doesn't make up excuses not to hang out with you because he feels guilty just looking at your face. I want to be single for now, but i need to know that one day it will all be right. Donny's friend Jason was there on a date too. 2 people there to remind me of all the things I hate. I just feel so used and so stupid. I really love that I have you in my life. Looking back on the last 6 months, I would have gone comepletely insane without my friends,especially Kristen and you. I think we will just have to keep reiterrating(spelling?) to each other that it will all be ok some day. I get by knowing that everyone is dealing with something whatever it may be. Right now though, I just feel so defeated. I listen to love songs and can't relate and wonder if I ever will. Mostly, I think I hate them because they have turned me into this person that I don't want to be. I told Joey that I don't want to see John again. I told him that it has nothing to do with feelings for him, but that looking at him just makes me feel like an idiot and to not invite me out if he is with him. I just feel so stupid. I don't want to be the girl that lets boys walk all over her. That is what I have been though. I don't want to shut them all out either. I hope I figure it out. I guess I should go to sleep. Sorry for writing this depressing message. I really do appreciate you guys though. Love you.