great expectations, but no aspiration

words and i have never gotten along-they make me nervous-well i make me nervous
i want to be something that i am not capable of
content
but the only way that i believe i can get there is to do the impossible
i want to move to la
i want to be in music
not a musician-but behind the scenes
i love the culture of indie music and would love to wrap myself in it
i have no experience and am shy at times
i have no chance
i am afraid of failing and so i never try to accomplish anything that challenges me
i can't leave him either
i know if it were the other way around he would leave me
so why do i stay
i want to stay at my job for a least another year or so
but then what
we fight a lot
there was about a year and a half when i didn't have to wonder about us
he was so reassuring
and then he changed it all-he doubted us and quickly tried to pick up the pieces
i don't think that i have ever recovered
his doubts turned into mine
talk of marriage and children feel like distant ideas for me, but near future reality for him
i used to think i would marry young
we have been together forever-it has just always seemed like the natural progression-why not now?
these last six months after college have been great, but have really made me doubt myself and my future
i am afraid to settle
and i know i will