The Unknown

it has been quite some time since my last post. he has ruined every new boy for me. i know that i will have a hard time fully trusting a boy or any friend completely again. i don't love him or miss him in the least-just angry that i believed all of his lies for so long.
i have realized that i am never attracted to anyone i meet and the one boy that i am is as bad or worse than the one that took me so long to get rid of. "waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways"-that is me- i don't have any expectations or hopes for the future right now. i am trying as hard as i can to become like estella. most of the time it is working, but only because i am not attracted or interested in any of the poor little pip/finns. nice boys that could probably make me happy, but i don't know how to like them back.
i love hanging out with boys as friends-i just don't think most of them know the concept. each of them crosses the line at some point.
i don't want to find the boy i am looking for any time soon-just want some reassurance that one day it will happen. if i find him i probably won't trust him so what is the point i guess.
i spend half of the week going out and having fun with friends. i can't stand to be home alone on the weekends. i get lonely. i won't admit that to anyone, though i think everyone already has me figured out. i am pretty transparent.
i need to get back into the routine of going to shows. i am most content when i am at them.
i have lost some weight. started off by accident and then i just kept it going. i have lost 2-3 pant sizes. i want to get to about 110-115.i feel a little more confident, but i have a way to go-most of this has nothing to do with the way that i look.
i realized a bit ago that i don't get as nervous around people as i used to and hardly stutter anymore. i thank God everyday for letting me finally break free from the chains that used to tie me down. i wish i had been set free years and years ago though. i don't know if i believe that everything happens for a reason, but i hope so because i feel like such a fool for being decieved for so long.
i like to be the life of the party, but i wish that someone knew how to entertain me for once. i hate always being the funny girl-why do i have to be so picky?
i tried to force myself to like a boy to get over another. that didn't work and the last straw was a bad kiss-haha it was horrible. i know that noone will ever be perfect, but will anyone be perfect enough for me?
in general i love my life though. i do need to get away for a bit. i need a more exciting job too. i want to be challenged--by my carreer and by the people in my life.
i want to be creative
i want to be kissed
i want to get away
i want to be naively optimistic again
i want to be forever young
i want to kiss him
i want more confidence
i want to be inspired!