Just sent this as a message to E...

Sorry for the text so late. I'm not drunk or anything (I only had one drink about an hour and a half ago). I just really need some optimism to come back. I had to sit next to some girl and she mentioned him a few times...found out he had slept with her last night. I just really need to know what it feels like to have a good boy and be treated like you matter. One that hasn't slept with half of the blonde population of California and doesn't make up excuses not to hang out with you because he feels guilty just looking at your face. I want to be single for now, but i need to know that one day it will all be right. Donny's friend Jason was there on a date too. 2 people there to remind me of all the things I hate. I just feel so used and so stupid. I really love that I have you in my life. Looking back on the last 6 months, I would have gone comepletely insane without my friends,especially Kristen and you. I think we will just have to keep reiterrating(spelling?) to each other that it will all be ok some day. I get by knowing that everyone is dealing with something whatever it may be. Right now though, I just feel so defeated. I listen to love songs and can't relate and wonder if I ever will. Mostly, I think I hate them because they have turned me into this person that I don't want to be. I told Joey that I don't want to see John again. I told him that it has nothing to do with feelings for him, but that looking at him just makes me feel like an idiot and to not invite me out if he is with him. I just feel so stupid. I don't want to be the girl that lets boys walk all over her. That is what I have been though. I don't want to shut them all out either. I hope I figure it out. I guess I should go to sleep. Sorry for writing this depressing message. I really do appreciate you guys though. Love you.