I think there will always be this part of me that no one will ever know. I hate that. I want someone to love me for all that I am. I love him,at least I am pretty sure that I do, but I still don't feel that we know each other very well. After four months, I still feel this wall of mine as strong, sturdy, and high as ever. I am afraid to let myself fully feel anything. He was differant at the beginning. I am afraid that he is turning into me in some ways. I can't get past his shell. He jokes and makes me laugh and smile, but I want to make sure there is more to it than that. I honestly wonder every day if he truely cares for me or if I fill a vaccancy. He hasn't given me "the look." He says that I complain-I believe him, but I know why I do it. It is because I want him to show me all of him and all that I keep getting is the surface. I don't think he has been like this with anyone else. I don't want him to be closed off because I am a wretch. I have been putting in extra effort to change my ways. We are together almost daily and still I feel that I hardly know him or that he wants to get to know me.
I love the way he pulls me close to him when he sleeps. I like the little cute things that he does when I least expect them. I love the playful teasing and how he always wants me around. At this point though, I can not figure out why he would like me. He probably couldn't list two things. I am jealous and paranoid because of the past. What if I open up completely and he decides that he doesn't want me? He talks of the future and homes and children. It scares me and not in the way that I thought it would. It scares me because I don't want to want all of that. I told myself for so long that none of that was for me and I think I had myself convinced. Is it too soon for him to talk about things in "our house?" What if he gets to know me better and he realizes that this was all wrong? Then I will have decided that that sort of life is what I want and then he can take it away. I am scared of this-petrified.
Sometimes he gives me the impression that he wants that ideal family so much that he would settle for me because time is running out and our children would be cute. haha. It sounds so silly when I write it out, but I'm not 100% that it is not true.
I am going to work on things on my end first. I want to become less guarded and open up and see if I can then see a differance in him. I have tried bringing it up, but he refuses to have a serious conversation if it has to do with himself. I will try my best to open him up and if it doesn't work soon I guess I will have to stress its importance to him.
I do want to be with him. He makes me smile...a lot. I miss him when he is not next to me...like right now.