The Score...
...not as in a score to settle, but as a background theme song to my life. I think mine would have a lot of ups and downs and irregularity, but it would be a beautiful sound. Parts would be slow and doubtful and then it would slowly wind up and pick up tempo just to slow down again and repeat the pattern over and over.
I will never figure out what I want. I need freedom, but I want to be loved. I don't know if I want to love though.
He is going to start his new job hopefully next week. I am counting on that changing things. I haven't been happy in this for a while. I can not figure out if it is him or me. It has lost its luster and I feel my confidence dropping and me clinging to the familiar and not ready for a change. There are many things that I love about being part of a relationship, but I don't think right now that we have staying power. Things have started to fizzle...well have been fizzling for a while now and I have been waiting for that perfect boy that he was to come back to me. We should be in love by now. We should say it to each other if we do. I know that he doesn't love me. He couldn't. I think we are just both too scared or something to go back to being alone. What if it is all me? What if I will never be happy? I just want to be wanted...like cheap trick. Doesn't everyone? Maybe I would be bored with someone who worshiped me, but the idea seems nice. I want to have conversations that don't bore me and be touched and held. I want to be acknowleged for my ideas and thanked every once in a while. A simple 'thank you' would do so much.
Right now I would be at one of the slow tempo portions of my score. A few notes that keep repeating because I am too scared to move on to a fast beat.
I still don't know if I had ever been in real love. I thought that I was a few months ago, but now I am not sure. If he was the person that I thought he was originally, I could have loved him forever.
I will not be bitter after this though...if it does turn out that way. I asked the heavens or the air for a relationship a while back. I needed to date more. Have relationships-test people out-find out who I am and what I need. With each person I have met, I realize a little more about myself and what will and can't work.
I need to travel, I need to be held, I need to laugh, I want to always feel comfortable, I want to share interests and if we don't I want us both to suffer through the other's because we know it will make them happy, I want to be able to picture an entire life together and not be wondering about a few days or weeks from now if everything will be upside down, I need to be able to talk about what is wrong quickfully and painlessly to squash the problems instead of dreading the conversation and dragging it out, I want random kisses on the nose, head, cheek, I want him to hold my hand as he once did, I don't want a rough patch to ruin what could have been something amazing...
I was beyond excited about this relationship at the beginning. It was the first time I thought I may have actually had found something special. Maybe we are just too differant, maybe I am just annoying, maybe it is too late to fix things. I have hit my wall. I will not try anymore. I think I have noticed a pattern---once I reach my frustration limit I start to mentally pull away. I won't tell him though. Instead, I will drag this out until I can no longer bear it and don't care about losing him and then I will call it off. It is not fair for him, but I think he is doing the same. At any moment he can fight for me and I will stay.
I want the score to start a faster happy beat right now. I have to make the song change myself and not wait for it to magically do it on its own.
I will never figure out what I want. I need freedom, but I want to be loved. I don't know if I want to love though.
He is going to start his new job hopefully next week. I am counting on that changing things. I haven't been happy in this for a while. I can not figure out if it is him or me. It has lost its luster and I feel my confidence dropping and me clinging to the familiar and not ready for a change. There are many things that I love about being part of a relationship, but I don't think right now that we have staying power. Things have started to fizzle...well have been fizzling for a while now and I have been waiting for that perfect boy that he was to come back to me. We should be in love by now. We should say it to each other if we do. I know that he doesn't love me. He couldn't. I think we are just both too scared or something to go back to being alone. What if it is all me? What if I will never be happy? I just want to be wanted...like cheap trick. Doesn't everyone? Maybe I would be bored with someone who worshiped me, but the idea seems nice. I want to have conversations that don't bore me and be touched and held. I want to be acknowleged for my ideas and thanked every once in a while. A simple 'thank you' would do so much.
Right now I would be at one of the slow tempo portions of my score. A few notes that keep repeating because I am too scared to move on to a fast beat.
I still don't know if I had ever been in real love. I thought that I was a few months ago, but now I am not sure. If he was the person that I thought he was originally, I could have loved him forever.
I will not be bitter after this though...if it does turn out that way. I asked the heavens or the air for a relationship a while back. I needed to date more. Have relationships-test people out-find out who I am and what I need. With each person I have met, I realize a little more about myself and what will and can't work.
I need to travel, I need to be held, I need to laugh, I want to always feel comfortable, I want to share interests and if we don't I want us both to suffer through the other's because we know it will make them happy, I want to be able to picture an entire life together and not be wondering about a few days or weeks from now if everything will be upside down, I need to be able to talk about what is wrong quickfully and painlessly to squash the problems instead of dreading the conversation and dragging it out, I want random kisses on the nose, head, cheek, I want him to hold my hand as he once did, I don't want a rough patch to ruin what could have been something amazing...
I was beyond excited about this relationship at the beginning. It was the first time I thought I may have actually had found something special. Maybe we are just too differant, maybe I am just annoying, maybe it is too late to fix things. I have hit my wall. I will not try anymore. I think I have noticed a pattern---once I reach my frustration limit I start to mentally pull away. I won't tell him though. Instead, I will drag this out until I can no longer bear it and don't care about losing him and then I will call it off. It is not fair for him, but I think he is doing the same. At any moment he can fight for me and I will stay.
I want the score to start a faster happy beat right now. I have to make the song change myself and not wait for it to magically do it on its own.
posted by Her Great Expectations at 9:19 PM
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