And this too shall pass
I think there may be something wrong with me. I can't handle negative change at all.
Work has gotten much better. I received a promotion. A lot more is expected of me, but i don't really mind.
J and I have been together over a year now. I am so happy and so sad with certain things. I want to be with him all the time, he makes me smile and laugh, and he tries his best to be considerate of me. I, on the other hand, am emotional, jealous, and always suspicious. I honestly can not figure out what anyone would want to do with me. The worst part is that I see what I am doing and can't stop. I am so insecure that it ruins things. I know how I got this way, but I still want it to stop. He either doesn't love me or just won't say it. If I knew which it was, I hope that I would lighten up or hit the road. He has made tons of comments that seem as if he does and just can't physically say it and he is said it after he had drank and doesn't remember, but I want to know. He has said that he has never initiated it to a girlfriend and has only said it out of obligation. That is a huge fear of mine. His blames his lack of emotional expression on his dad and the relationships his dad has had with so many different women and him not being around after J was about 6. I don't know. That all sounds like crap to me. I LOVE HIM. I want to be with him in the future. I want and need him to tell me if he does. He knows that I would like to hear it, but probably not that it is driving me into depression. I am so afraid of wasting time like I did with Donny that I overanalyze EVERYTHING.
His friend Randy moved back in about two months ago and his work schedule switched to the complete opposite of mine. He works 14hour days Sat-Monday. It is terrible. The only time that we have together is after I am off work and for two hours(if that) on Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays. The weekends are not fun to hang out at all though. He is usually in a bad mood or gets tired by 7:30. I usually don't mind so much because I would rather spend crappy time together than not at all. Randy was and still usually is around all of the time. I was beyond upset. The precious little time I had with him had to be shared with R. It wasn't even that...he was so happy that he had moved in that I totally became the third wheel not R. Before R, he was talking about buying a house together and I was very happy. The second that he moved in, the house talk stopped and R started talking about the two of them moving into a place downtown together. I couldn't take it anymore. I felt upset all of the time and we started picking little fights all the time. We finally talked about it and it has been better. I don't think I could have stayed like that another minute. I started to resent R and everything he did and said and still if I had the choice, he wouldn't live there.
Now J is on a trip in San Diego. I thought that I would be ok, but I am not. I really don't think that he would cheat, but after D, I know that it is always a possibility. I have been giving him attitude and he still has another 2 and a half days there. We went to SD together two months ago. It was pretty fun. Probably much more fun with all guy friends and no g/f. I hate it. I go crazy thinking about all of the possibilities and knowing that I would never find out. It was a fluke that I ever found out about D. I don't know how not to be a nervous wreck.
Does he love me????
Why would we still be together if he didn't, but why would he not say it if he does???
I think I want to be married some day now. Maybe I want it because he doesn't think he ever will. Maybe it is because I am older now. And kids, I still don't know about them, but figure I will want them in a few years.
I just want him to be back or for me to learn how to deal with him on trips without me. I don't think that I will ever figure it out. I want him to come with me on every trip. He would rather go with friends I think. He tries to reassure me all of the time, but I am hopeless.
Will I ever get a hold of this?
Work has gotten much better. I received a promotion. A lot more is expected of me, but i don't really mind.
J and I have been together over a year now. I am so happy and so sad with certain things. I want to be with him all the time, he makes me smile and laugh, and he tries his best to be considerate of me. I, on the other hand, am emotional, jealous, and always suspicious. I honestly can not figure out what anyone would want to do with me. The worst part is that I see what I am doing and can't stop. I am so insecure that it ruins things. I know how I got this way, but I still want it to stop. He either doesn't love me or just won't say it. If I knew which it was, I hope that I would lighten up or hit the road. He has made tons of comments that seem as if he does and just can't physically say it and he is said it after he had drank and doesn't remember, but I want to know. He has said that he has never initiated it to a girlfriend and has only said it out of obligation. That is a huge fear of mine. His blames his lack of emotional expression on his dad and the relationships his dad has had with so many different women and him not being around after J was about 6. I don't know. That all sounds like crap to me. I LOVE HIM. I want to be with him in the future. I want and need him to tell me if he does. He knows that I would like to hear it, but probably not that it is driving me into depression. I am so afraid of wasting time like I did with Donny that I overanalyze EVERYTHING.
His friend Randy moved back in about two months ago and his work schedule switched to the complete opposite of mine. He works 14hour days Sat-Monday. It is terrible. The only time that we have together is after I am off work and for two hours(if that) on Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays. The weekends are not fun to hang out at all though. He is usually in a bad mood or gets tired by 7:30. I usually don't mind so much because I would rather spend crappy time together than not at all. Randy was and still usually is around all of the time. I was beyond upset. The precious little time I had with him had to be shared with R. It wasn't even that...he was so happy that he had moved in that I totally became the third wheel not R. Before R, he was talking about buying a house together and I was very happy. The second that he moved in, the house talk stopped and R started talking about the two of them moving into a place downtown together. I couldn't take it anymore. I felt upset all of the time and we started picking little fights all the time. We finally talked about it and it has been better. I don't think I could have stayed like that another minute. I started to resent R and everything he did and said and still if I had the choice, he wouldn't live there.
Now J is on a trip in San Diego. I thought that I would be ok, but I am not. I really don't think that he would cheat, but after D, I know that it is always a possibility. I have been giving him attitude and he still has another 2 and a half days there. We went to SD together two months ago. It was pretty fun. Probably much more fun with all guy friends and no g/f. I hate it. I go crazy thinking about all of the possibilities and knowing that I would never find out. It was a fluke that I ever found out about D. I don't know how not to be a nervous wreck.
Does he love me????
Why would we still be together if he didn't, but why would he not say it if he does???
I think I want to be married some day now. Maybe I want it because he doesn't think he ever will. Maybe it is because I am older now. And kids, I still don't know about them, but figure I will want them in a few years.
I just want him to be back or for me to learn how to deal with him on trips without me. I don't think that I will ever figure it out. I want him to come with me on every trip. He would rather go with friends I think. He tries to reassure me all of the time, but I am hopeless.
Will I ever get a hold of this?
posted by Her Great Expectations at 6:58 PM
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