A Whole Lot More of the Same

I am at a crossroads. 

I am sad a lot. I feel so alone lately that I want to cry and scream. I received a promotion and I think I really love the new position. I want to grow up and get away from bars and drinking, but J does not...not even a little bit. Is growing up really a good thing. Doesn't everyone want to be young forever? If I act older then what?

I refuse to admit to anyone that I want to be married or have children, but I think I might in a few years. He does not. I don't know if he just doesn't want them with me

I am beyond sick of him NEEDING to go out and drink. I also feel bad that I have changed so much in the last three years. At the beginning, I didn't mind. Drinking on a weeknight was no big deal. It seems that the desire should have started to dissolve in him by now. 

We do not really get along anymore. I am always unhappy and want a mature companion. He wants someone who is not such a bitch and can be nice to his friends. I hate the person I have become. I want to be nice, but I can't. 

I still feel after 3.5 years that he will drop anything he is doing to be with his friends. I want to be placed first all of the time. He is always first for me, but I don't know if that is a reasonable expectation of him. With the amount of bitterness I carry around with me, I am scared that I will never be a nice person again...if I ever truly was one. 

It is possible that my company will reorg and eliminate or move my position out of state. I don't know if I can handle looking for a job again.  I hope to know by October. We wanted to move into a nicer place, but I am scared to increase the rent until I know for sure.

I want to see a psychic or a psychologist-or both.