Against My Better Judgement

I finally did what I knew that I should have many months ago. I think that he is for the most part good, but not for me. I miss plenty of things, but they could not weigh out the constant feeling of wanting more. I wanted to be in love with the person that I was spending some much time with. I miss having someone to do things with, but I wasn't that happy while we were doing them. I texted him "happy birthday" the other day and so came a series of bitter responses. He told me not to pretend to care, that I totally disappeared and blew him off, that I was playing games, and some more. I tried to be as nice as possible, but was surprised that he cared enough to be bitter and couldn't get into any drama. I am over it and figured he was as well.

I have gotten back into an old pattern. It means trouble. I will like him and he will hurt me. It is almost garanteed at this point, " but just being around you offers me another form of relief." I know that he will only make me happy in tiny incriments and he will never really like me more than just what it is. I wish I could say no, but there has always been something about him that makes me forgive him. I feel like Pip after Estella asks if he could ever forgive her, "don't you know me at all." I don't want to have to keep forgiving. I want someone who doesn't want to hurt me. I told him last night that something had almost made me cry, and he sounded really upset about it. He said, "I don't want to ever make you cry. I never want to see you cry. It would kill me and I would kill anyone that ever made you." He was drunk, but part of me believed it. I shouldn't though. The ironic thing is that in the past few years he has been one of the only few reasons that I do tear up. My friends say that when I cry it is really pretty and really sad. E says that she can't take it that it kills her to watch. I think it is because I only cry when it really hurts and the tears well up, but my face doesn't move. There is so much salty water that it just falls from my face. I hope he never sees me cry.

I have been hanging out with E a lot. Differant problems we share, but all relating to lonliness. It is comforting to have a friend around to bounce complaints about our worlds back and forth.

I really want to make a better career for myself. I keep waiting for it to fall into my lap. That will never happen.

I want to eat better than I have the last few weeks.
I want to work out.
I want to be more confident.
I want a better haircut.
I want to find a new sushi partner.
I want to clean my apt and sell my car.
I want to be the best I possibly can at everything and stop letting my self-doubts get in the way.
I want to make good decisions and take initiative.

MySpace post 12/21/08

It was MySpace so I wasn't saying much. I have decided that I want to delete it now though.......


Anticipation and Hesitation
Sundays are no fun-my friends are right. I do like lounging around,but too much time alone and I start to go crazy. This has been a very strange month. Lots of changes to adjust to. Some good/some bad. Just rolling with the punches. I'm always in a mixed state of excitement and disappointment. Disappointed at some things that have passed and excited for what may come. I know more now than ever that willing something to be does not make it so.
It is almost a new year. I'm not one for symbolism, but I may make use of this one. Last year at this time, I had expected to be somewhere else completely by now. Not knowing the future keeps things interesting, but some warnings would be nice. I guess they are there and I turn a blind eye when I don't want to believe them. I actually never know what I want and never have. My indecision and lack of conviction will be my downfall if I let it. I need to determine what I want and seek it out and not wait for it to find me.



"Keep the wind at your back and the sun on your faceAll the immediate unknownsAre better than knowing this tired and lonely fate"



E's comment:
this is deep..it speaks. I would rather shave off both my eyebrows and have a peg leg than face another sunday again. But the world continues to turn, and we will continue to survive. How about this Sunday we lounge..together. eating toffee and chips in my cave. and maybe topping it off with some french fries. i don't know about you but that sounds like a better sunday than me scrubbing the kitchen floor in tears..haha. I am so happy to have you in my life and this tired and lonely fate will soon fade into another year full of possibility. I am sure of it. <3