Against My Better Judgement

I finally did what I knew that I should have many months ago. I think that he is for the most part good, but not for me. I miss plenty of things, but they could not weigh out the constant feeling of wanting more. I wanted to be in love with the person that I was spending some much time with. I miss having someone to do things with, but I wasn't that happy while we were doing them. I texted him "happy birthday" the other day and so came a series of bitter responses. He told me not to pretend to care, that I totally disappeared and blew him off, that I was playing games, and some more. I tried to be as nice as possible, but was surprised that he cared enough to be bitter and couldn't get into any drama. I am over it and figured he was as well.

I have gotten back into an old pattern. It means trouble. I will like him and he will hurt me. It is almost garanteed at this point, " but just being around you offers me another form of relief." I know that he will only make me happy in tiny incriments and he will never really like me more than just what it is. I wish I could say no, but there has always been something about him that makes me forgive him. I feel like Pip after Estella asks if he could ever forgive her, "don't you know me at all." I don't want to have to keep forgiving. I want someone who doesn't want to hurt me. I told him last night that something had almost made me cry, and he sounded really upset about it. He said, "I don't want to ever make you cry. I never want to see you cry. It would kill me and I would kill anyone that ever made you." He was drunk, but part of me believed it. I shouldn't though. The ironic thing is that in the past few years he has been one of the only few reasons that I do tear up. My friends say that when I cry it is really pretty and really sad. E says that she can't take it that it kills her to watch. I think it is because I only cry when it really hurts and the tears well up, but my face doesn't move. There is so much salty water that it just falls from my face. I hope he never sees me cry.

I have been hanging out with E a lot. Differant problems we share, but all relating to lonliness. It is comforting to have a friend around to bounce complaints about our worlds back and forth.

I really want to make a better career for myself. I keep waiting for it to fall into my lap. That will never happen.

I want to eat better than I have the last few weeks.
I want to work out.
I want to be more confident.
I want a better haircut.
I want to find a new sushi partner.
I want to clean my apt and sell my car.
I want to be the best I possibly can at everything and stop letting my self-doubts get in the way.
I want to make good decisions and take initiative.